Walking the Walk

I have to say that this will be tough at first. For one, the horrors of the blank page can make even the most prolific writers shudder. For another, my doctor recommended that I go somewhere to write, like a coffee shop. So here I sit at my local library staring at a blank screen on my Macbook Pro, occasionally dancing my fingers over the keys in synch with my stream of consciousness. Perhaps that will be the key to unlocking my potential; exorcising the demons that clutter my mind. These past few months have been such a tribulation for me. I awoke yesterday determined to make the necessary changes to my life to break this spell of depression and angst. A schedule is such an important factor to my success. Dedication to my goals will be the driving force. And still that blank page will taunt me daily. Yet, my inner dialogue will kick the page in the face (figuratively). To which we arrive at the end of my first paragraph. The page is no longer blank.

This morning I had my annual physical. I gained almost 20 pounds since November. Sitting around, eating take-out and not exorcising has made me a part of the sofa cushions. I too am soft, full of stuffing and comfortable to lay on. However, I already knew this. I looked long and hard into the mirror yesterday and did not like what I saw. I was unshaven, chubbier than usual, and very tired looking. Haggard is a more appropriate word. We are eternal beings, yet I have run my carbon vehicle like a '79 Duster; running that beater box into the ground. But all is not lost for I have seen the light. I want to at least be healthy enough to make it from my bedroom to my living room without having a heart attack. Part of my new found self includes walking daily. I was eating right and performing mild exercises prior to being laid off and had lost some weight. Yet, since November I have allowed depression to envelope my soul like a dense fog. I wrapped myself within this cocoon of pain and despair, unable to see the damage I was causing myself.

Like any journey, I am optimistic about my success. Yet, I am also pragmatic enough to know that success is a variable measurement. My goals are as follows:

• Lose 40 lbs
• Quit drinking alcohol
• Quit drinking energy drinks
• Exercise daily
• Finish school
• Open a tattoo shop
• Finish writing my novels currently in the works
• Buy a house closer to PA
• Retire from the rat race

These can all be achieved. However, success does not require that I adhere fully to these goals. What if I lose 25 pounds but maintain the rest as solid muscle tone? What if I am able to drink sociably without becoming addicted? What if I am able to maintain my health by exercising every other day? What if I do not finish school because career success overshadows my schooling? What if I do not finish the current novels but write other successful novels? What if I buy a luxury condo on Beacon Hill? What if I continue to contract database and web design work for the rest of my life as a way to earn extra cash for traveling? I will have achieved success with threes goals even though they were not accomplished to the letter. The overall effort is to eat right, exercise regularly, control my ingestion of mind altering substances, leave school with a degree or on the right terms, follow my dreams (tattoo shop, writing, etc), buy a place of my own and not be dominated by the pressures of modern life. Having a fierce intolerance of authority makes it tough to deal with some (not all) managers, supervisors and owners of businesses. Yet, I was able to maintain in most places, and my career is peppered with interacts with megalomaniacal middle management sorts who, for one reason or another, had a hard on for me. Some I was able to handle professionally, but we all have our breaking points. Things that saved me; sympathetic supervisors, alternate career opportunities, a need for my skills, and at times, my personality.

These are all things for me to reconsider as I trudge forward through life. How much have I imposed on others is as important as how much others have imposed on me. What are my priorities and do they coincide with those of my wife, family and society at large? Am I truly destined for greatness or am I a pompous ass? These are also roads of discovery. I want to bring positive changes to the world, yet I have always been steeped in negativity, angst and past demons. Are solutions to societies' ills truly as simple as I see them or have I been ignorant of the needs of others?

Take as an example, bigotry; I believe that bigotry can be eliminated from our species through education and acceptance. This would take a few generations to succeed. Consider if all education systems in the world, including home schoolbag, required classes that teach children acceptance of diversity, compassion, and such. Are we overlooking the rights of parents to teach their children (as grotesque as this sounds) to hate another group of people based on any number of criterium? Compound this with the possibility that prejudice is ingrained in our DNA to a point that we will always have a fight or flee response to any and all people we encounter? Is it not possible that we are unable to to see each other as human as our minds are constantly discerning, categorizing, labeling, and grouping differences everywhere, including people we observe. How can we analyze any situation, comment, or possibility if we do not carefully dissect every component of a thing?

How, indeed, would we overcome such inherent tendencies? I catch myself constantly calling for religious tolerance while cursing Christians and Muslims in general, usually in the same breath. Bigotry is not limited race. We are bigoted against each other politically, even though we all have the same needs and goals…mostly. We are leery about people from other groups, the outsiders if you will. Who knows what baggage they bring to the table. Who knows what their motives and capabilities are. And these statements are very natural considering how our ancestors survived when confronted with other tribes, hostile animals, weather and even death. Perhaps we never will end prejudice, but we can end bigotry and ignorance. It is okay that you see a black man, an asian woman, a hispanic lawyer, or a chubby housewife. How you treat these people is what determines your flow of happiness, and theirs…and everyones as we are all connected in an ocean of consciousness. I really believe in the possibilities of the human spirit. Free will is the caveat to that. The great Indian ruler Ashoka lamented after passing his enlightened edicts "one cannot make people righteous." I paraphrased here so no citation.

We do have the power to change tomorrow. Deep down in our hearts lies fertile soil for piety, righteousness and love. I am hoping that we can all plant the seeds that bear such fruit. No other nectar can be as divine.