I Am Who I Am

I am constantly torn between what I must do (as prescribed by society) and what my heart and mind tell me to do. One could see how dangerous a proposition this presents. If we are all to do as we feel we must or are compelled to do what, would become of the world? The nature of humans is twofold. On the one hand we are intelligent, logical, and filled with the emotional need for spirituality. On the other hand, are we not all predisposed to greed, jealousy, envy, superficiality, and a minimal materialism that all stem from our ancestors? Each of us is capable of acts of bravery, compassion and selflessness, just as we are all capable of violence, intolerance and perverse sexuality. Should a mentally ill person listen to his or her compulsions or “voices in their heads”, the result can be deadly, as David Berkowitz proved in the summer of 1976.

Yet, what of the creative soul? What would our society be like without the vision and talents of the artists? Although many of the greats walked a fine line between genius and madness, their unique way of interpreting the world speaks to such deep meaning and beauty. Surely we could not have evolved without writers, artists, craftsmen/women, performers, and musicians. Nor can we achieve any higher state of being without our shaman who these artisans embody through their virtuosity. I am one of these people. My visions, ideas, talents and being all emanate with the insight of a sage. Several times, after writing or creating I will look at my handiwork and wonder where it came from. My talents are a spring that bubbles from a universal consciousness that I neither control nor fully comprehend. When writing political essays the assertions made stem from a code of ethics so ingrained that they can only be a connection to a divine source. I know unequivocally, what the resolution of a political issue should be when I have enough information about it. Yet, when writing political essays and opinions, people do not care about ethics or logic. Individuals, especially detractors, want evidence.

I have studied many religions throughout my life. There are many universal truths and similarities in every single religion. Yet, devout practitioners, especially fundamentalists, refuse to acknowledge my opinion because they simply do not like what I am saying. Religion is an emotion-based thought process. Followers must believe in things that they do not understand. People who can think conceptually will be able to get past the need for reverence of humanistic deities like Jesus Christ or Mohammed. Yet, we cannot dismiss these needs for individuals who connect to divinity in this way. There are several religions in existence because everyone has a different level of spirituality and varying emotional needs. One cannot, and should not, dismiss another religion because of differing rituals, myths, or worse, for calling God by another name. Does anyone truly believe that God, Yahweh, Allah, and Brahman are different beings? All are worshipped as the ultimate source of all things or as the almighty and all-powerful being of omnipotence. In a perfect world, we would all agree that any religion is as good a path to God as any other. Yet, many people cannot accept diversity with religion. No other political force has caused more death, tyranny or oppression than religion. Religion is not evil, but the corruption of it by humans definitely is. This is possible and an ever-present danger because of the emotional impact that religion has on its followers. Rather than reason an issue logically, religious thought rationalizes the matter to fit the dogma.

An example of this is the issue of abortion. Personally, I have conflicting feelings about abortion. However, when speaking politically, we must remove ourselves from the equation. Fundamentalist Christians have sought to completely ban abortion. I understand that they do not want to kill, believing that a fetus is a person. However, they are not offering stronger social programs to care for the unwanted children who will be a product of a full abolition. Nor do they want to concede that the procedure is sometimes necessary and that the well being of the mother is more important than that of a fetus, which cannot be proven to have consciousness and therefore be human. In addition, elimination of the practice will not end abortions from happening. In fact, this would force women who need or want the procedure to seek unsanitary and dangerous alternatives. These women should be allowed to have a medical professional in a sterile environment, regulated by the government, perform the process. We cannot tell women that they do not have the right to an abortion because someone in Kansas believes that all fetuses have a right to life regardless of how bad the quality of that life may be. The only way to end abortion is through education and strong social programs. Because we do not educate people enough to make balanced choices regarding pre and extra marital sex, we cannot just eliminate abortions. Likewise, without strong social programs we cannot care for the unwanted children from these mothers. Forcing a woman to carry a fetus through birth is a roll of the dice with that child’s well being. Will the mother abuse or neglect the child because of hatred or resentment? Will she abandon the child with unsavory people, or worse in a trash dumpster as we have seen too many times on the news? We cannot just base laws on our own dogmatic beliefs without taking into full account the people who are affected by these policies. Fundamentalists will never allow such compromise. That is the sad reality of our political process.

Society requires that I work for a living. Money will not be given to me for free, nor do I have the opportunity at this time to go off the grid; a cabin in the woods with a greenhouse so I can self sustain. Some of my friends and family have pressured me (unintentionally) to go back to work. Although I am entitled to unemployment, that agency pressures me to seek employment with the threat of losing my benefits. Yet, as a creative spirit, a misfit, an outspoken and strong willed person I have difficulty maintaining in the corporate world. I am prone to dressing in black, not shaving, wearing piercings, dying my hair colors (like blue, green and purple), as well as getting and displaying tattoos. I curse constantly. People who act like they are better than myself easily offend me. I will not schmooze or network with people I do not like. I choose my friends by their character and their heart. I will not become someone’s friend based on whether he or she can get me more money or a better position. Usually those types of corporate creatures that can make or break my career are assholes and I am quick to point this out when I see the results of their actions. And so I have an impulse to bite the hand that feeds me. This is part of my nature. If something is wrong, no matter how much money I am offered, or how much my job depends on my silence, I will rebel against that action, person or circumstance. This may seem like these statements are a contradiction of everything I wrote about being connected to a divine muse. However, they are more aligned than the casual observer would realize. Every religion has myths about teachers who appear and dissent from the accepted faith(s). These rebels are portrayed as heroes and in many cases as personified divinity; an aspect of God. Creative people carry this divine seed, which blossoms through their craft. Always, the established or accepted beliefs (the status quo) depict these souls as enemies, traitors and blasphemers. Although Jesus had a large following, the Jewish leaders and definitely the Romans were peeved at him to say the least. I am one of those people who not only see the world differently than most, but also dare to live by my convictions. Some have even described me as being on a different wavelength. I wear that like a badge of honor.

I was not cut out to work in a corporate environment. I was born a rebel. My uniqueness and nature has always been in conflict with authority figures. I believe that I must pursue my crafts as a means to an end. To push me back into the workforce may be disastrous. There is also the possibility that my nature will work with corporate environment, such as my time at Biogen Idec. There I was allowed to shine, until the last year of my employ. Always, management changes bring conflicting visions of how things must be done. Sometimes this improves a department or workflow. Usually, it becomes a contention with the worker bees. I saw a lot of people leave Biogen Idec in the year before the big lay offs. This was a result of management changes and the destructive behavior that is possibly inherent to it. I am blogging now to get myself back into the flow of writing. I am still in school, but since I just returned from a six-month hiatus I am having difficulty adhering to a schedule. I must pursue my talents. I must allow my creativity to guide me, rather than the social requirements of a very corporate world. Let us not forget that private industry is a form of tyranny. I am all for making money, being innovative as well as being an industry or field leader. However, I do not believe that we must achieve this on the backs and necks of workers. Nor do I think that healthy competition should be muscled out of an industry through protectionist laws such as NAFTA and other free trade agreements. I realize now that I do not want to rest on my laurels or suckle the teat of social programs. I am a motivated and hardworking man. However, I also understand that corporate careers will only consume my soul. I will be a slave to tyranny, beaten down by middle management despots who clearly have no power in any other aspect of their lives so they become megalomaniacs. I cannot play that game any longer. That is completely against my nature. I am who I am and to stifle that only burns resentment.