A Sad Day for Me

This is a sad day for me. I was laid off in November and my company was generous enough to provide me with health insurance until 31-Jan-11 (today). I have applied for MassHealth, which has several plans, most f which is based on my income for the last twelve months. Okay, I was making pretty good money, but I am not now so this means they will want to charge me some ridiculous amount and I will have to appeal. Perhaps I will catch a break by July if I do not have a job by then.

I looked at the COBRA plan, which is aptly named since it has a poisonous sting just like a real cobra…that sting being the cost. Who can afford to be raped at the price Blue Cross Blue Shield (BCBS) charges for the privilege of being covered by them? Not many people collecting unemployment can or will. I called several individual companies. The cheapest policy that actual covers doctor visits was $800 a month. The highest (you guessed it, BCBS) was $1,500 per month. Let me just back track a moment; the policies that are cheaper do not cover doctor visits nor offer preventive care. Keep in mind that Massachusetts (MA) requires every citizen over 18 to have health care coverage. That means that we have to pay one of the companies their ransom or be penalized by the state via our tax returns at the end of the year.

You know, when I start talking about the plight of the poor and the rights of the working class I am always, always, always accused of being a communist, a socialist, a Marxist and of wanting wealth redistribution. Yet, what Mitt Romney instilled in the MA health care bill is exactly that. It is wealth redistribution of the most obscene kind. We pay several taxes and fees here in MA, but that is not enough. Mitt made sure that his benefactors (BCBS, Tufts, Harvard Pilgrim and the rest of them) are also receiving money directly from the citizens as a more extravagant tax. This is a forced commodity and if you do not comply you will be penalized accordingly. So much for the concept of a free market system.

In addition, there is an older law on the books that requires college students in MA to have health care coverage as well. In 2006 I worked as a contractor at Biogen Idec before being hired full time. During that time I could not afford insurance so I went without. Sound familiar? Of course, a lot of people were in that boat. However, I was also in school. I was promptly kicked out of school (and my student loans came due) when that school found out I had changed jobs. The school was kind enough to offer me insurance through their program, but they wanted a lot of money up front and a good chunk of change each month. I could not afford it. Biogen Idec hired me soon after and I was able to return to school. How many other people have been denied an education when they cannot afford insurance? The poor should have Medicaid or MassHealth so this really affects the working class.

I am still in school. I now attend Northeastern. I was denied their insurance because I am not earning enough credits per semester (I am off by one). In addition, the law requires that I attend campus classes. I take on-line classes which are less expensive, better for my schedule and I do not have to commute. I should be commended for wanting to elevate myself through education, especially at my age. MA does not see it that way. If I am denied MassHealth or cannot afford the available plans for my tax bracket (okay, my past tax bracket) then I must be punished monetarily. Once again, this is a clear case of wealth redistribution. I am middle class. How dare I have any money to pay my bills. My money belongs in the coffers of health care CEOS and the politicians they buy like so many cheap prostitutes.

I will be the first to admit that I see a psychologist once a week. I am not ashamed of this. I have lived a very tough life, especially during my youth. My father was a Vietnam veteran, an alcoholic, extremely abusive and , as one friend pointed out "160 pounds of pure rage." Compound that with the brutality of high school life in the 1980s, to say I was bullied is to sugar coat the situation to an extreme. I still struggle with all of this, though I generally suffer silently. I prefer to see my shrink and sort everything out with her.Yet, her company does not take MassHealth. Today was my last session. I simply cannot afford to pay out of pocket, nor am I willing to start all over again with someone new. We have a good chemistry and she has helped me out of some very dark places. So I am sad that I cannot see her until I am working again. This is not Mitt Romney's fault, nor do I blame the politicians who passed the previous insurance laws. Consider that the health care system is currently dominated by private companies who have systematically raised the cost through the roof.

Yes they do. You know they do. The providers (your local doctor, the hospital, the labs, etc) do not seek to raise the cost. They provide a service, they bill the insurance companies who then promptly deny the claim nine times out of ten. I worked at BCBS and I have seen these people who are trained to search for any reason at all to deny a claim. Doing this forces the providers to hire a billing staff to call and fax the insurance companies to cover the service. This one simple act of denying as many claims as possible has elevated the cost of insurance by the billions. This is good business for companies like BCBS. They can rake in profits that would make the OPEC nations envious. Who benefits from these profits? Not the majority of BCBS employees. I had a family of four when I worked there and I was earning a paltry sum. We had to rob Peter to pay Paul constantly. Keep in mind that I had BCBS insurance and they charged me a lot of money for that coverage. They also gave me what is known as benefit bucks to offset the high cost of their insurance. I earned X amount, which Y amount was deducted for my insurance. Then BCBS gave me Z amount to "help" pay for the insurance they provided. I was taxed on this money. I was not allowed to take the benefit bucks. In other words, BCBS paid themselves through me. Extrapolate that with the number of employees they have and you are looking at a pretty good tax shelter for a company that already fleeces the public. Again I ask, who benefits from this windfall? The CEOs like Cleve L. Killingsworth, who earned 3.9 million dollars in 2009. Do any CEOs really need to earn more than a million per year? How about a cap on that and disperse that money back into the company to lower costs?

I hear the Tea Party groups and GOP pundits demonizing Obama's attempt at health care reform. I have to be honest, I am disgusted with their cries on unconstitutionality and socialism. We have a real problem here in America. We are the most advanced technically, our businesses are the most wealthy and we are the strongest militarily. However, we cannot and WILL NOT provide universal health coverage for our citizens. People are pointing the finger at illegal immigration and saying universal health care is unfeasible. Others point their finger at our economy and state that universal health care is unfeasible. Still more people claim that universal health care would destroy companies like BCBS, to which I say "Good!." It is about time we destroyed them. If they will not place nice with the other kids we will take their ball and Mitt away.

In conversations with the Governor's office I have learned that legislators are working on some laws to keep predatory companies like BCBS from charging a king's ransom for health care. However, that is way down the pike. I probably will be closer to retirement by then. Plus, the lobbyists and their Senatorial/Congressional dogs will be in full attack mode for that. Expect to be inundated with propaganda to manipulate us into voting against our own interests. All paid for by committees chaired by ex-politicians and funded by the same companies who stand to profit from that legislation being over turned.

Something else I learned is that the requirement for all MA residents to purchase health care coverage is not going away ever. So much for freedom of choice. You can choose your poison, but the option to not drink it not yours to make. Thank you Mitt Romney for the legacy of wealth redistribution and economic warfare that you left behind. May your dreams of the presidency never reach fruition.

Walking the Walk

I have to say that this will be tough at first. For one, the horrors of the blank page can make even the most prolific writers shudder. For another, my doctor recommended that I go somewhere to write, like a coffee shop. So here I sit at my local library staring at a blank screen on my Macbook Pro, occasionally dancing my fingers over the keys in synch with my stream of consciousness. Perhaps that will be the key to unlocking my potential; exorcising the demons that clutter my mind. These past few months have been such a tribulation for me. I awoke yesterday determined to make the necessary changes to my life to break this spell of depression and angst. A schedule is such an important factor to my success. Dedication to my goals will be the driving force. And still that blank page will taunt me daily. Yet, my inner dialogue will kick the page in the face (figuratively). To which we arrive at the end of my first paragraph. The page is no longer blank.

This morning I had my annual physical. I gained almost 20 pounds since November. Sitting around, eating take-out and not exorcising has made me a part of the sofa cushions. I too am soft, full of stuffing and comfortable to lay on. However, I already knew this. I looked long and hard into the mirror yesterday and did not like what I saw. I was unshaven, chubbier than usual, and very tired looking. Haggard is a more appropriate word. We are eternal beings, yet I have run my carbon vehicle like a '79 Duster; running that beater box into the ground. But all is not lost for I have seen the light. I want to at least be healthy enough to make it from my bedroom to my living room without having a heart attack. Part of my new found self includes walking daily. I was eating right and performing mild exercises prior to being laid off and had lost some weight. Yet, since November I have allowed depression to envelope my soul like a dense fog. I wrapped myself within this cocoon of pain and despair, unable to see the damage I was causing myself.

Like any journey, I am optimistic about my success. Yet, I am also pragmatic enough to know that success is a variable measurement. My goals are as follows:

• Lose 40 lbs
• Quit drinking alcohol
• Quit drinking energy drinks
• Exercise daily
• Finish school
• Open a tattoo shop
• Finish writing my novels currently in the works
• Buy a house closer to PA
• Retire from the rat race

These can all be achieved. However, success does not require that I adhere fully to these goals. What if I lose 25 pounds but maintain the rest as solid muscle tone? What if I am able to drink sociably without becoming addicted? What if I am able to maintain my health by exercising every other day? What if I do not finish school because career success overshadows my schooling? What if I do not finish the current novels but write other successful novels? What if I buy a luxury condo on Beacon Hill? What if I continue to contract database and web design work for the rest of my life as a way to earn extra cash for traveling? I will have achieved success with threes goals even though they were not accomplished to the letter. The overall effort is to eat right, exercise regularly, control my ingestion of mind altering substances, leave school with a degree or on the right terms, follow my dreams (tattoo shop, writing, etc), buy a place of my own and not be dominated by the pressures of modern life. Having a fierce intolerance of authority makes it tough to deal with some (not all) managers, supervisors and owners of businesses. Yet, I was able to maintain in most places, and my career is peppered with interacts with megalomaniacal middle management sorts who, for one reason or another, had a hard on for me. Some I was able to handle professionally, but we all have our breaking points. Things that saved me; sympathetic supervisors, alternate career opportunities, a need for my skills, and at times, my personality.

These are all things for me to reconsider as I trudge forward through life. How much have I imposed on others is as important as how much others have imposed on me. What are my priorities and do they coincide with those of my wife, family and society at large? Am I truly destined for greatness or am I a pompous ass? These are also roads of discovery. I want to bring positive changes to the world, yet I have always been steeped in negativity, angst and past demons. Are solutions to societies' ills truly as simple as I see them or have I been ignorant of the needs of others?

Take as an example, bigotry; I believe that bigotry can be eliminated from our species through education and acceptance. This would take a few generations to succeed. Consider if all education systems in the world, including home schoolbag, required classes that teach children acceptance of diversity, compassion, and such. Are we overlooking the rights of parents to teach their children (as grotesque as this sounds) to hate another group of people based on any number of criterium? Compound this with the possibility that prejudice is ingrained in our DNA to a point that we will always have a fight or flee response to any and all people we encounter? Is it not possible that we are unable to to see each other as human as our minds are constantly discerning, categorizing, labeling, and grouping differences everywhere, including people we observe. How can we analyze any situation, comment, or possibility if we do not carefully dissect every component of a thing?

How, indeed, would we overcome such inherent tendencies? I catch myself constantly calling for religious tolerance while cursing Christians and Muslims in general, usually in the same breath. Bigotry is not limited race. We are bigoted against each other politically, even though we all have the same needs and goals…mostly. We are leery about people from other groups, the outsiders if you will. Who knows what baggage they bring to the table. Who knows what their motives and capabilities are. And these statements are very natural considering how our ancestors survived when confronted with other tribes, hostile animals, weather and even death. Perhaps we never will end prejudice, but we can end bigotry and ignorance. It is okay that you see a black man, an asian woman, a hispanic lawyer, or a chubby housewife. How you treat these people is what determines your flow of happiness, and theirs…and everyones as we are all connected in an ocean of consciousness. I really believe in the possibilities of the human spirit. Free will is the caveat to that. The great Indian ruler Ashoka lamented after passing his enlightened edicts "one cannot make people righteous." I paraphrased here so no citation.

We do have the power to change tomorrow. Deep down in our hearts lies fertile soil for piety, righteousness and love. I am hoping that we can all plant the seeds that bear such fruit. No other nectar can be as divine.

I Write Therefore I Am

Wow! What a long tome between posts. I know that right now that only me, my wife and my mother are the only people reading this blog. Yet, I must begin to post daily if I ever wish to have an audience. I have decided to make writing this blog a part of my daily schedule. Since this seems to be coming from left field (for those of you who are reading this for the first time or do not know me), I think we should acquaint (or reacquaint) ourselves with the circumstances that led to this decision.

A little about me

My biographical details are available, but just a quick snap shot for fun:

• Born 11-Jun-68.
• Navy brat; moved between VA, CA & MA repeatedly for years.
• Permanently moved to MA in 1977.
• Blizzard of 78, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Battle of the Planets...yep, life was good.
• Left the Christian religion at age 12: Too much hypocrisy and conflicting messages.
• Married at 18 in 1986.
• My son was born in 1988. (I love you Joe).
• Separated and divorced by 21 in 1989.
• Read extensively about alternate religions (Hinduism, Taoism, etc).
• Studied Shaolin Kenpo, made it to purple belt level (but never took tests).
• Met the love of my life in 1993.
• My daughter Amanda was born in 1993 (I love you Mandie).
• My daughter Ayshah (pronounced Asia) was born in 1996 (I love you Ayshah).
• Remarried in 1998.
• Returned to school in 2005. Studied business management under the guise of Science of Information Technology.
• 2007 Changed major to Political Science, started classes at Northeastern University CPS.
• 2006 - 2010 worked at Biogen Idec building databases and managing data for the Engineering/Validation teams.
• June 2010 Took hiatus from school.
• September 2011 Moved into condominium.
• November 2010 Lay off, (nice severance package though).
• January 2011, picked up Winter class schedule at Northeastern.
• Now: Decided to get back into writing. Will blog daily.

So, I will start posting daily. My topics will range from political commentary, creative endeavors, to personal trials and tribulations. I am a writer who has become very lax in his trade therefore I will now adhere to a schedule. My short term goal is to blog daily for an hour and get back into a writing flow. My long term goal is to blog for half an hour and then work on my novels for an hour (or more). I have allowed my work, home and school schedules to overrun my writing schedule. Being laid off has only made me that much busier, which is not logical given that my work schedule has decreased significantly. I need this outlet as well. When I do return to the workforce I want to make sure that I do not lose sight of my true calling as a novelist.

Speaking of the lay off, I have had difficulty concentrating on projects since being released by my company. I have a few databases that I worked on as side projects and have struggled with through the holiday seasons. I was able to complete my Storage Tracking database thankfully. We have two storage units and a million totes and boxes. Finding something (such as a specific book or kitchen utensil) has been difficult, especially since our last move. Compound this with the fact that we are also storing a lot of items for my mother in-law as well. My reaction was to build a database to label items and boxes. The database tracks the location of storage, owner, and box contents. I built a search tool that iterates through the box contents to locate an item based on the search parameters (field, boolean search type, entered criteria).

Now all I have to do is go through everything, label it and reorganize the boxes according to owners (me, my wife, my daughters, etc). This also gives us a chance to determine what should be kept, given to charity or thrown away. This will be a daunting task, but necessary. Plus, we will be so relieved when we are finished. Yet, I have been unable to work on my other databases. Part of the reason is that they are not as necessary as the Storage Tracker. These other databases are more practice applications for tracking my documents, pictures and so on. Given the study time I need for school and the pull of my family life, one can see why these other projects have once again fallen to the way side.

But all is not lost. I am taking the first step towards a more structured day. Biogen Idec taught me the importance of scheduling one's day. I will admit that I stopped this practice almost completely in November of 2010, scheduling only doctor and Keystone Associate appointments. My days became so unstructured that I ended up thoroughly disgusted with my own lack of direction. School was a big factor for shaking me out of my rut. But I was only hitting the proverbial snooze button. Now I am beginning to wake once again and see that more structure is exactly what I need.

Like a circle, the end will be at the beginning

To continue my waking from a slumber analogy, I now have my feet on the ground. Blogging is the equivalent to getting into the shower to start my day. And that day is the rest of my life. As I get dressed (finish my novels), eat breakfast (fuel my bank account through work), and head out into the world (make my mark as an author) I will know that I have lived my life to my fullest potential.

Every journey starts with a singe step. This post is that step. Walk with me. Witness my awaking. Begin your own day in your own way. Most importantly, let's chat about it. I love conversation and this is a topic that will cherish.