I Am Who I Am

I am constantly torn between what I must do (as prescribed by society) and what my heart and mind tell me to do. One could see how dangerous a proposition this presents. If we are all to do as we feel we must or are compelled to do what, would become of the world? The nature of humans is twofold. On the one hand we are intelligent, logical, and filled with the emotional need for spirituality. On the other hand, are we not all predisposed to greed, jealousy, envy, superficiality, and a minimal materialism that all stem from our ancestors? Each of us is capable of acts of bravery, compassion and selflessness, just as we are all capable of violence, intolerance and perverse sexuality. Should a mentally ill person listen to his or her compulsions or “voices in their heads”, the result can be deadly, as David Berkowitz proved in the summer of 1976.

Yet, what of the creative soul? What would our society be like without the vision and talents of the artists? Although many of the greats walked a fine line between genius and madness, their unique way of interpreting the world speaks to such deep meaning and beauty. Surely we could not have evolved without writers, artists, craftsmen/women, performers, and musicians. Nor can we achieve any higher state of being without our shaman who these artisans embody through their virtuosity. I am one of these people. My visions, ideas, talents and being all emanate with the insight of a sage. Several times, after writing or creating I will look at my handiwork and wonder where it came from. My talents are a spring that bubbles from a universal consciousness that I neither control nor fully comprehend. When writing political essays the assertions made stem from a code of ethics so ingrained that they can only be a connection to a divine source. I know unequivocally, what the resolution of a political issue should be when I have enough information about it. Yet, when writing political essays and opinions, people do not care about ethics or logic. Individuals, especially detractors, want evidence.

I have studied many religions throughout my life. There are many universal truths and similarities in every single religion. Yet, devout practitioners, especially fundamentalists, refuse to acknowledge my opinion because they simply do not like what I am saying. Religion is an emotion-based thought process. Followers must believe in things that they do not understand. People who can think conceptually will be able to get past the need for reverence of humanistic deities like Jesus Christ or Mohammed. Yet, we cannot dismiss these needs for individuals who connect to divinity in this way. There are several religions in existence because everyone has a different level of spirituality and varying emotional needs. One cannot, and should not, dismiss another religion because of differing rituals, myths, or worse, for calling God by another name. Does anyone truly believe that God, Yahweh, Allah, and Brahman are different beings? All are worshipped as the ultimate source of all things or as the almighty and all-powerful being of omnipotence. In a perfect world, we would all agree that any religion is as good a path to God as any other. Yet, many people cannot accept diversity with religion. No other political force has caused more death, tyranny or oppression than religion. Religion is not evil, but the corruption of it by humans definitely is. This is possible and an ever-present danger because of the emotional impact that religion has on its followers. Rather than reason an issue logically, religious thought rationalizes the matter to fit the dogma.

An example of this is the issue of abortion. Personally, I have conflicting feelings about abortion. However, when speaking politically, we must remove ourselves from the equation. Fundamentalist Christians have sought to completely ban abortion. I understand that they do not want to kill, believing that a fetus is a person. However, they are not offering stronger social programs to care for the unwanted children who will be a product of a full abolition. Nor do they want to concede that the procedure is sometimes necessary and that the well being of the mother is more important than that of a fetus, which cannot be proven to have consciousness and therefore be human. In addition, elimination of the practice will not end abortions from happening. In fact, this would force women who need or want the procedure to seek unsanitary and dangerous alternatives. These women should be allowed to have a medical professional in a sterile environment, regulated by the government, perform the process. We cannot tell women that they do not have the right to an abortion because someone in Kansas believes that all fetuses have a right to life regardless of how bad the quality of that life may be. The only way to end abortion is through education and strong social programs. Because we do not educate people enough to make balanced choices regarding pre and extra marital sex, we cannot just eliminate abortions. Likewise, without strong social programs we cannot care for the unwanted children from these mothers. Forcing a woman to carry a fetus through birth is a roll of the dice with that child’s well being. Will the mother abuse or neglect the child because of hatred or resentment? Will she abandon the child with unsavory people, or worse in a trash dumpster as we have seen too many times on the news? We cannot just base laws on our own dogmatic beliefs without taking into full account the people who are affected by these policies. Fundamentalists will never allow such compromise. That is the sad reality of our political process.

Society requires that I work for a living. Money will not be given to me for free, nor do I have the opportunity at this time to go off the grid; a cabin in the woods with a greenhouse so I can self sustain. Some of my friends and family have pressured me (unintentionally) to go back to work. Although I am entitled to unemployment, that agency pressures me to seek employment with the threat of losing my benefits. Yet, as a creative spirit, a misfit, an outspoken and strong willed person I have difficulty maintaining in the corporate world. I am prone to dressing in black, not shaving, wearing piercings, dying my hair colors (like blue, green and purple), as well as getting and displaying tattoos. I curse constantly. People who act like they are better than myself easily offend me. I will not schmooze or network with people I do not like. I choose my friends by their character and their heart. I will not become someone’s friend based on whether he or she can get me more money or a better position. Usually those types of corporate creatures that can make or break my career are assholes and I am quick to point this out when I see the results of their actions. And so I have an impulse to bite the hand that feeds me. This is part of my nature. If something is wrong, no matter how much money I am offered, or how much my job depends on my silence, I will rebel against that action, person or circumstance. This may seem like these statements are a contradiction of everything I wrote about being connected to a divine muse. However, they are more aligned than the casual observer would realize. Every religion has myths about teachers who appear and dissent from the accepted faith(s). These rebels are portrayed as heroes and in many cases as personified divinity; an aspect of God. Creative people carry this divine seed, which blossoms through their craft. Always, the established or accepted beliefs (the status quo) depict these souls as enemies, traitors and blasphemers. Although Jesus had a large following, the Jewish leaders and definitely the Romans were peeved at him to say the least. I am one of those people who not only see the world differently than most, but also dare to live by my convictions. Some have even described me as being on a different wavelength. I wear that like a badge of honor.

I was not cut out to work in a corporate environment. I was born a rebel. My uniqueness and nature has always been in conflict with authority figures. I believe that I must pursue my crafts as a means to an end. To push me back into the workforce may be disastrous. There is also the possibility that my nature will work with corporate environment, such as my time at Biogen Idec. There I was allowed to shine, until the last year of my employ. Always, management changes bring conflicting visions of how things must be done. Sometimes this improves a department or workflow. Usually, it becomes a contention with the worker bees. I saw a lot of people leave Biogen Idec in the year before the big lay offs. This was a result of management changes and the destructive behavior that is possibly inherent to it. I am blogging now to get myself back into the flow of writing. I am still in school, but since I just returned from a six-month hiatus I am having difficulty adhering to a schedule. I must pursue my talents. I must allow my creativity to guide me, rather than the social requirements of a very corporate world. Let us not forget that private industry is a form of tyranny. I am all for making money, being innovative as well as being an industry or field leader. However, I do not believe that we must achieve this on the backs and necks of workers. Nor do I think that healthy competition should be muscled out of an industry through protectionist laws such as NAFTA and other free trade agreements. I realize now that I do not want to rest on my laurels or suckle the teat of social programs. I am a motivated and hardworking man. However, I also understand that corporate careers will only consume my soul. I will be a slave to tyranny, beaten down by middle management despots who clearly have no power in any other aspect of their lives so they become megalomaniacs. I cannot play that game any longer. That is completely against my nature. I am who I am and to stifle that only burns resentment.

I Am the Law!

In Capitalism Will Devour Itself I discussed the unfortunate circumstance of my credit card information being stolen. I decided that I should press charges. My local police station was the first place I went to file a complaint. I waited for about 20 minutes before being brought into an interview room. The officer asked where my bank was. I told her the name of the town and she stated (several times) that this was out of their jurisdiction and that I must go to the police department for the town my bank's main office was located. Without questioning further, I drove to that town. When I arrived in the alternate police station I was greeted with disdain. When I entered the building I approached a large bullet proof glass partition with a buzzer for service. No one manned the desk behind the glass. A police officer was at a nearby desk, leaning back in his chair watching television. He lazily looked at me, looked back at his television and then back at me. He was clearly peeved that he had to get up out of his chair. When he finally made it to the partition I told him why I was there. He stopped me, asked where I lived and told me that my local police station had to handle this complaint. I told him that I was just there and they had sent me to him. He asserted that I was at the wrong place and I asked, "What do I do if they try to send me back to him?" His response; "Insist".

I have to admit that I was angry, frustrated and not liking the police at that point. I understand why we have law enforcement. I would not want to be without it. I have met several policemen and women who are nice people, who take their job seriously, and bring honor to the uniform. There are also officers who are, for lack of a better term, pigs. These thugs who mask their brutality and crimes within the law, bending it to their whims like a reed in the wind, give the police a bad name. I do not have a problem with law enforcement, but I do take umbrage with pigs. "I am the law!" has been stated to me with authoritative tones by many pigs throughout my life. Their assertion is not true. The police department and each officer of the law is just that; a civil servant enforcing laws. The police are not the law, nor are they above it. Likewise, they cannot create laws. Local, State and Federal legislation is all written and voted on by elected officials. City ordinances are written by the selectmen and women elected each term. The police can only enforce the law within the confines of the law. Never forget this fact.

I left that station and called my local police. I told them what had just transpired and I was told to go to their web site, download and complete a "lengthy and in-depth" Identity Theft report and bring that to them. I went to the website for the Abington police and could not locate the form. My view on this is that neither police station wants to bother with doing the paperwork. I was pushed away when I needed help. When I insisted, as I was instructed to do, I was basically told to do the paperwork myself. I was also told over the phone that identity theft happens all the time and that there are little resources for extradition, especially for a mere larceny. I actually received more help and information from one of the vendors who had a fraudulent purchase blocked by my bank. Their fraud department told me that the IP address was in Texas but that was a proxy and that the source was coming from Southeast Asia. Additionally, this person had my name, address and phone number along with my credit card number, expiration date and security code. The perpetrator could have hacked my computer or the databanks, not only from online vendors but from "brick and mortar" companies. I was told that if we had a separate credit card for each company we traded with, then we could more easily pinpoint security leaks. Imagine how many credit cards one would have if that were the case. Some people would have hundreds. I would probably have about 30 or 40. This young man actually helped me with that information. I have decided to write a letter to the Attorney General for help and contact my local FBI office to report the international crime. I know that I will never find out who did this to me, but the more we come forward, the more we will be forced to do things differently. For one, security with electronic trades can be somewhat achieved. Each transaction can be traced, for the most part. If people exist who can create complex arrays of proxies to cover up their online crimes, then we must also have people who can untangle those webs and setup network security that block them from being built.

I am sure that we will find a solution to identity theft and that it will cost us a lot of money since it will be sold to us, as all things are. Yet, the problem with law enforcement is another issue entirely. Currently, every city, town and county have ambiguous laws such as Disturbing the Peace, Loitering, Vagrancy and so on. These were created to allow local law enforcement to circumvent State, Federal and Constitutional law as deemed necessary to uphold community standards. Who determines these community standards? Usually the more wealthy citizens of a town, local business owners and the elected officials. In some cases, the dominate church will dictate community standards as well. The later being the few times that the middle class and poor citizens have any say in such matters. Consequentially, certain groups of teens cannot hangout at the local park (unless they are the elites, such as jocks or wealthy kids). This falls under the guise of loitering, even though the park exists specifically for that purpose. Likewise, a person cannot wander into town without having enough money for lodging without being accused of vagrancy. The worst one is disturbing the peace. If I cough, that is disturbing the peace. If I form a protest rally, that can be construed as disturbing the peace. If I march in a Veterans day parade without a permit holding an anti-war sign, that can be construed as disturbing the peace. Any manner one can think of concerning communication, protest, civil disobedience, even travel can be construed as disturbing the peace. This is too vague, purposefully so. For one, if you are not part of the elite crowds, your disturbance will be punished. If I go to a town hall meeting and express an opinion counter to popular (elite) views or votes, I can be removed by an officer of the law, spend time in a holding cell or issued a ticket for a monetary sum. This violates our rights that are guaranteed in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. If a group of citizens hold a political rally in the park, we can be attacked by the police under the guise of disturbing the peace. The First Amendment guarantees the right to peaceably assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

The despicable side of this is when pigs use these ambiguous laws to not only violate the rights of citizens (and a homeless person is a citizen too) but to brutalize and subjugate them. How many pigs throughout America were affiliated with racist groups like the Ku Klux Klan? More to the point, how many of those pigs arrested, beat, tortured and even murdered blacks, hispanics, asians and Native American Indians using such laws? The answer is more than is actually recorded, more than we will ever know. I am white and I am still occasionally rousted by the police. At 42 I am sick of routine checks and trumped up charges. My last ticket was for tailgating. Yes, technically I was tailgating as was everyone else on the highway. I traveled a very long route through two towns to get to that highway. I was behind a State Trooper for most of that time. On the highway he ghosted my car as I tried to get past someone who kept slowing down and speeding up. When I was pulled over the pig began yelling at me. He then accused me of tailgating him prior to getting on the highway. Believe me when I say, if I am behind a police car I keep my distance. This cop was not only yelling at me when I was cooperating, he was also bearing false witness. He lied, either intentionally because he believed he could with impunity or because his perception was altered by his apparent anger. When I am confronted by the police, I find it best to be polite and cooperative. Usually, the officer will respond in kind. However, when dealing with a pig one cannot do anything right. The pig will bust you for whatever reason he can.

A routine stop begins with me giving the officer my license and registration. In the instances when I am stopped on the street, just my identification is taken. The cop will run my license to see if I have out-standing warrants. This is what is known in the legal business as a fishing expedition and is a violation of one's Fourth Amendment: "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized" (Jefferson, 1789). However, this is an obstacle for a pig so they will cite the probable cause clause without necessarily defining what their suspicions are. Heaven help you if you question a pig when being rousted. Tread lightly if this is the path that you choose. If no warrants are outstanding, the pig will then search you, your baggage and (when applicable) your vehicle. I have been harassed, threatened, handcuffed, and fined all as tactics to elicit information or to see if the pigs can find any reason at all to arrest me. Apparently, I fit some sort of profile or simply look guilty. However, there is no law dictating how one must look. Some people say I look vaguely Spanish or Italian. I am black-Irish, German, Anglo Saxon and Blackfoot Sioux. Mutt is the best way to describe me. I am angered by the violations of my rights, yet I must keep this in contrast. There are some true bastards out there who commit violent acts of brutality against kids between 10 and 25 years of age. These pigs carry on the tradition of police brutality against minorities as if the civil rights movement never took place. Homosexuals have it even worse.

This nation is at a crucial stage where we could very easily destroy ourselves. Consider another megalomaniacal sociopath like George W. Bush taking office when we have barely put the pieces back together and strengthen our national identity. Suppose Mitt Romney or Sarah Palin sleaze their way into the Oval Office and wreak their special brand of havoc. Extrapolate that with the civil unrest of rising food costs, dwindling social programs, rising unemployment and underemployment levels, as well as stagnant or decreasing wages. Civil unrest is inevitable should we choose to either ignore these issues or continue to pour salt on that festering wound. How will law enforcement respond? More directly, how will the pig react? We all know the answer. History will repeat itself. The murders at Kent State and a few other colleges will pale in comparison to the bloodletting we will witness. Unless we act now to punish the pigs who give police officers a bad name.

References

Jefferson, T. (1789). Amendment IV. (1789). Bill of rights.

Capitalism Will Devour Itself

I know that I promised to write daily and nothing was posted on Tuesday February 1st. However, I wrote two articles the day prior and I was dealing with a lot yesterday. I received a call on January 31st from my bank's fraud unit. They had noticed a number of transaction that were out of character from my usual business. The ensuing phone conversation was a dance of confirmations as the young woman swirled a litany of transactions that I countered in the affirmative or denial. That was the beginning. I woke the next day prepared to head down to my bank and complete affidavits and a more detailed report of guile and deceit. I was issued a new credit card, thankfully.

The remains of the day were spent updating subscriptions (like Netflix) and correcting pending transactions (like the software I ordered). I was able to trudge through this, even though it was a huge pain in the keister. Yet, I have this lingering feeling of violation. I have always been careful about online purchases and providing information. However, my endeavors have been futile. Someone was still able to lift my credit card details and use that information to go on a shopping spree. This was clearly a young person. The goods procured include a membership to Blizzard.com, almost $100 in iTunes purchases, several songs from Amazon.com, software, and several miscellaneous purchases that had no monetary amount since my bank blocked them. To say this sucks is an understatement. This is horrible.

The dollar amount is small and my bank is reimbursing me the money. The principle of this is that I was robbed. Probably, this was some punk who should get his ass handed to him through the law or other means. But this is just a symptom of something deeper. Humans are complex in many ways. The physiological network of nerves, cells, and electrical impulses is an immensely wondrous array that compiles the bodies we inhabit and are deeply enmeshed with our minds. This mind, the seat of our soul, is our consciousness, our inner light, our true selves. By whatever name we apply, we are speaking of the same thing…the essence that is our being. This mind, continues to exist after our carbon bodies lie rotting in the ground. As phenomenal a creation as the body is, the brain is even more complex. The conduit between mind and body is the brain. Aside from being the central processing unit for the working of the human specimen, our brains also contain a labyrinthian super-system that regulates our memories, personalities, emotions, and subconsciouses.

Every one of us has the capacity for greatness. Each person is born with a unique combination of talents, some of which combine in very surprising ways. For example, I am artistic. I am also a good cook and database designer. My art and creativity comes screaming through my databases as well as the things I bake and cook. Our inherent gifts are the tools that shape our destinies. No sight is more bleak nor disheartening than the sight of someone denied the chance to utilize his or her talents. To take the spark of life and innate genius that gives one a sense of completeness, of purpose and crush it is the most cruel of punishments. To do so destroys one's soul. This leads to disillusionment, angst, or in some cases despair, addiction, even violence. Society in general requires compromise. One cannot always do as one wishes. We must always consider how our actions will affect others. Sometimes this compromise requires one to set aside a talent. However, in some societies these talents are systematically squashed because of class, caste, or industrial needs. This is when a society can be considered bad. A society should govern for the greater good of its populace and not to use the citizens as a means to an end.

I digress. We all have the capacity for greatness, enlightenment and to evolve to a higher state of being as a species. Yet, in classic Yin/Yang style, we also share a proclivity for darker pursuits. Everyone has lied, stolen, cheated, coveted, or any combination of these activities. What drives us to inherently be inclined to commit acts of righteousness and corruption? For one, our brains can justify or rationalize any activity we commit, no matter how depraved. Certainly there are circumstances that warrant theft, lying and even taking a life (such as self defense). Yet, it is the more obscene activities that I am questioning. What drives a person to hack into a network and steal someone's identity and then delve headlong into materialism? How does one sleep at night after committing such an act? I know that for me, when I do something wrong, no matter how slight…I feel guilt and seek to make amends. Am I simply more enlightened than the person who stole my credit card information? Does he or she feel any remorse? Are they laughing at me or at society?

We live in a business run society. The needs of the corporation outweigh the needs of the populace (workers and consumers). It is no surprise that everything is a commodity, including information. Consequential to this fact, we are inundated with advertising, product placement and the manipulativeness inherent to them. Given the depreciating value of the American education system and economy, the logical outcome is an uncompromising materialism. In a world where we are all judged by the amount of money and goods we own, activities like stealing identities and fraudulent purchases are merely a byproduct. The notion of community has been systematically driven out of our heads. We are taught to despise unions, to distrust each other, to consume without question. It is unfortunate that someone stole my credit card information. But I truly weep for our society. We witness the inevitable implosion of capitalism eating itself alive.

A Sad Day for Me

This is a sad day for me. I was laid off in November and my company was generous enough to provide me with health insurance until 31-Jan-11 (today). I have applied for MassHealth, which has several plans, most f which is based on my income for the last twelve months. Okay, I was making pretty good money, but I am not now so this means they will want to charge me some ridiculous amount and I will have to appeal. Perhaps I will catch a break by July if I do not have a job by then.

I looked at the COBRA plan, which is aptly named since it has a poisonous sting just like a real cobra…that sting being the cost. Who can afford to be raped at the price Blue Cross Blue Shield (BCBS) charges for the privilege of being covered by them? Not many people collecting unemployment can or will. I called several individual companies. The cheapest policy that actual covers doctor visits was $800 a month. The highest (you guessed it, BCBS) was $1,500 per month. Let me just back track a moment; the policies that are cheaper do not cover doctor visits nor offer preventive care. Keep in mind that Massachusetts (MA) requires every citizen over 18 to have health care coverage. That means that we have to pay one of the companies their ransom or be penalized by the state via our tax returns at the end of the year.

You know, when I start talking about the plight of the poor and the rights of the working class I am always, always, always accused of being a communist, a socialist, a Marxist and of wanting wealth redistribution. Yet, what Mitt Romney instilled in the MA health care bill is exactly that. It is wealth redistribution of the most obscene kind. We pay several taxes and fees here in MA, but that is not enough. Mitt made sure that his benefactors (BCBS, Tufts, Harvard Pilgrim and the rest of them) are also receiving money directly from the citizens as a more extravagant tax. This is a forced commodity and if you do not comply you will be penalized accordingly. So much for the concept of a free market system.

In addition, there is an older law on the books that requires college students in MA to have health care coverage as well. In 2006 I worked as a contractor at Biogen Idec before being hired full time. During that time I could not afford insurance so I went without. Sound familiar? Of course, a lot of people were in that boat. However, I was also in school. I was promptly kicked out of school (and my student loans came due) when that school found out I had changed jobs. The school was kind enough to offer me insurance through their program, but they wanted a lot of money up front and a good chunk of change each month. I could not afford it. Biogen Idec hired me soon after and I was able to return to school. How many other people have been denied an education when they cannot afford insurance? The poor should have Medicaid or MassHealth so this really affects the working class.

I am still in school. I now attend Northeastern. I was denied their insurance because I am not earning enough credits per semester (I am off by one). In addition, the law requires that I attend campus classes. I take on-line classes which are less expensive, better for my schedule and I do not have to commute. I should be commended for wanting to elevate myself through education, especially at my age. MA does not see it that way. If I am denied MassHealth or cannot afford the available plans for my tax bracket (okay, my past tax bracket) then I must be punished monetarily. Once again, this is a clear case of wealth redistribution. I am middle class. How dare I have any money to pay my bills. My money belongs in the coffers of health care CEOS and the politicians they buy like so many cheap prostitutes.

I will be the first to admit that I see a psychologist once a week. I am not ashamed of this. I have lived a very tough life, especially during my youth. My father was a Vietnam veteran, an alcoholic, extremely abusive and , as one friend pointed out "160 pounds of pure rage." Compound that with the brutality of high school life in the 1980s, to say I was bullied is to sugar coat the situation to an extreme. I still struggle with all of this, though I generally suffer silently. I prefer to see my shrink and sort everything out with her.Yet, her company does not take MassHealth. Today was my last session. I simply cannot afford to pay out of pocket, nor am I willing to start all over again with someone new. We have a good chemistry and she has helped me out of some very dark places. So I am sad that I cannot see her until I am working again. This is not Mitt Romney's fault, nor do I blame the politicians who passed the previous insurance laws. Consider that the health care system is currently dominated by private companies who have systematically raised the cost through the roof.

Yes they do. You know they do. The providers (your local doctor, the hospital, the labs, etc) do not seek to raise the cost. They provide a service, they bill the insurance companies who then promptly deny the claim nine times out of ten. I worked at BCBS and I have seen these people who are trained to search for any reason at all to deny a claim. Doing this forces the providers to hire a billing staff to call and fax the insurance companies to cover the service. This one simple act of denying as many claims as possible has elevated the cost of insurance by the billions. This is good business for companies like BCBS. They can rake in profits that would make the OPEC nations envious. Who benefits from these profits? Not the majority of BCBS employees. I had a family of four when I worked there and I was earning a paltry sum. We had to rob Peter to pay Paul constantly. Keep in mind that I had BCBS insurance and they charged me a lot of money for that coverage. They also gave me what is known as benefit bucks to offset the high cost of their insurance. I earned X amount, which Y amount was deducted for my insurance. Then BCBS gave me Z amount to "help" pay for the insurance they provided. I was taxed on this money. I was not allowed to take the benefit bucks. In other words, BCBS paid themselves through me. Extrapolate that with the number of employees they have and you are looking at a pretty good tax shelter for a company that already fleeces the public. Again I ask, who benefits from this windfall? The CEOs like Cleve L. Killingsworth, who earned 3.9 million dollars in 2009. Do any CEOs really need to earn more than a million per year? How about a cap on that and disperse that money back into the company to lower costs?

I hear the Tea Party groups and GOP pundits demonizing Obama's attempt at health care reform. I have to be honest, I am disgusted with their cries on unconstitutionality and socialism. We have a real problem here in America. We are the most advanced technically, our businesses are the most wealthy and we are the strongest militarily. However, we cannot and WILL NOT provide universal health coverage for our citizens. People are pointing the finger at illegal immigration and saying universal health care is unfeasible. Others point their finger at our economy and state that universal health care is unfeasible. Still more people claim that universal health care would destroy companies like BCBS, to which I say "Good!." It is about time we destroyed them. If they will not place nice with the other kids we will take their ball and Mitt away.

In conversations with the Governor's office I have learned that legislators are working on some laws to keep predatory companies like BCBS from charging a king's ransom for health care. However, that is way down the pike. I probably will be closer to retirement by then. Plus, the lobbyists and their Senatorial/Congressional dogs will be in full attack mode for that. Expect to be inundated with propaganda to manipulate us into voting against our own interests. All paid for by committees chaired by ex-politicians and funded by the same companies who stand to profit from that legislation being over turned.

Something else I learned is that the requirement for all MA residents to purchase health care coverage is not going away ever. So much for freedom of choice. You can choose your poison, but the option to not drink it not yours to make. Thank you Mitt Romney for the legacy of wealth redistribution and economic warfare that you left behind. May your dreams of the presidency never reach fruition.

Walking the Walk

I have to say that this will be tough at first. For one, the horrors of the blank page can make even the most prolific writers shudder. For another, my doctor recommended that I go somewhere to write, like a coffee shop. So here I sit at my local library staring at a blank screen on my Macbook Pro, occasionally dancing my fingers over the keys in synch with my stream of consciousness. Perhaps that will be the key to unlocking my potential; exorcising the demons that clutter my mind. These past few months have been such a tribulation for me. I awoke yesterday determined to make the necessary changes to my life to break this spell of depression and angst. A schedule is such an important factor to my success. Dedication to my goals will be the driving force. And still that blank page will taunt me daily. Yet, my inner dialogue will kick the page in the face (figuratively). To which we arrive at the end of my first paragraph. The page is no longer blank.

This morning I had my annual physical. I gained almost 20 pounds since November. Sitting around, eating take-out and not exorcising has made me a part of the sofa cushions. I too am soft, full of stuffing and comfortable to lay on. However, I already knew this. I looked long and hard into the mirror yesterday and did not like what I saw. I was unshaven, chubbier than usual, and very tired looking. Haggard is a more appropriate word. We are eternal beings, yet I have run my carbon vehicle like a '79 Duster; running that beater box into the ground. But all is not lost for I have seen the light. I want to at least be healthy enough to make it from my bedroom to my living room without having a heart attack. Part of my new found self includes walking daily. I was eating right and performing mild exercises prior to being laid off and had lost some weight. Yet, since November I have allowed depression to envelope my soul like a dense fog. I wrapped myself within this cocoon of pain and despair, unable to see the damage I was causing myself.

Like any journey, I am optimistic about my success. Yet, I am also pragmatic enough to know that success is a variable measurement. My goals are as follows:

• Lose 40 lbs
• Quit drinking alcohol
• Quit drinking energy drinks
• Exercise daily
• Finish school
• Open a tattoo shop
• Finish writing my novels currently in the works
• Buy a house closer to PA
• Retire from the rat race

These can all be achieved. However, success does not require that I adhere fully to these goals. What if I lose 25 pounds but maintain the rest as solid muscle tone? What if I am able to drink sociably without becoming addicted? What if I am able to maintain my health by exercising every other day? What if I do not finish school because career success overshadows my schooling? What if I do not finish the current novels but write other successful novels? What if I buy a luxury condo on Beacon Hill? What if I continue to contract database and web design work for the rest of my life as a way to earn extra cash for traveling? I will have achieved success with threes goals even though they were not accomplished to the letter. The overall effort is to eat right, exercise regularly, control my ingestion of mind altering substances, leave school with a degree or on the right terms, follow my dreams (tattoo shop, writing, etc), buy a place of my own and not be dominated by the pressures of modern life. Having a fierce intolerance of authority makes it tough to deal with some (not all) managers, supervisors and owners of businesses. Yet, I was able to maintain in most places, and my career is peppered with interacts with megalomaniacal middle management sorts who, for one reason or another, had a hard on for me. Some I was able to handle professionally, but we all have our breaking points. Things that saved me; sympathetic supervisors, alternate career opportunities, a need for my skills, and at times, my personality.

These are all things for me to reconsider as I trudge forward through life. How much have I imposed on others is as important as how much others have imposed on me. What are my priorities and do they coincide with those of my wife, family and society at large? Am I truly destined for greatness or am I a pompous ass? These are also roads of discovery. I want to bring positive changes to the world, yet I have always been steeped in negativity, angst and past demons. Are solutions to societies' ills truly as simple as I see them or have I been ignorant of the needs of others?

Take as an example, bigotry; I believe that bigotry can be eliminated from our species through education and acceptance. This would take a few generations to succeed. Consider if all education systems in the world, including home schoolbag, required classes that teach children acceptance of diversity, compassion, and such. Are we overlooking the rights of parents to teach their children (as grotesque as this sounds) to hate another group of people based on any number of criterium? Compound this with the possibility that prejudice is ingrained in our DNA to a point that we will always have a fight or flee response to any and all people we encounter? Is it not possible that we are unable to to see each other as human as our minds are constantly discerning, categorizing, labeling, and grouping differences everywhere, including people we observe. How can we analyze any situation, comment, or possibility if we do not carefully dissect every component of a thing?

How, indeed, would we overcome such inherent tendencies? I catch myself constantly calling for religious tolerance while cursing Christians and Muslims in general, usually in the same breath. Bigotry is not limited race. We are bigoted against each other politically, even though we all have the same needs and goals…mostly. We are leery about people from other groups, the outsiders if you will. Who knows what baggage they bring to the table. Who knows what their motives and capabilities are. And these statements are very natural considering how our ancestors survived when confronted with other tribes, hostile animals, weather and even death. Perhaps we never will end prejudice, but we can end bigotry and ignorance. It is okay that you see a black man, an asian woman, a hispanic lawyer, or a chubby housewife. How you treat these people is what determines your flow of happiness, and theirs…and everyones as we are all connected in an ocean of consciousness. I really believe in the possibilities of the human spirit. Free will is the caveat to that. The great Indian ruler Ashoka lamented after passing his enlightened edicts "one cannot make people righteous." I paraphrased here so no citation.

We do have the power to change tomorrow. Deep down in our hearts lies fertile soil for piety, righteousness and love. I am hoping that we can all plant the seeds that bear such fruit. No other nectar can be as divine.

I Write Therefore I Am

Wow! What a long tome between posts. I know that right now that only me, my wife and my mother are the only people reading this blog. Yet, I must begin to post daily if I ever wish to have an audience. I have decided to make writing this blog a part of my daily schedule. Since this seems to be coming from left field (for those of you who are reading this for the first time or do not know me), I think we should acquaint (or reacquaint) ourselves with the circumstances that led to this decision.

A little about me

My biographical details are available, but just a quick snap shot for fun:

• Born 11-Jun-68.
• Navy brat; moved between VA, CA & MA repeatedly for years.
• Permanently moved to MA in 1977.
• Blizzard of 78, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Battle of the Planets...yep, life was good.
• Left the Christian religion at age 12: Too much hypocrisy and conflicting messages.
• Married at 18 in 1986.
• My son was born in 1988. (I love you Joe).
• Separated and divorced by 21 in 1989.
• Read extensively about alternate religions (Hinduism, Taoism, etc).
• Studied Shaolin Kenpo, made it to purple belt level (but never took tests).
• Met the love of my life in 1993.
• My daughter Amanda was born in 1993 (I love you Mandie).
• My daughter Ayshah (pronounced Asia) was born in 1996 (I love you Ayshah).
• Remarried in 1998.
• Returned to school in 2005. Studied business management under the guise of Science of Information Technology.
• 2007 Changed major to Political Science, started classes at Northeastern University CPS.
• 2006 - 2010 worked at Biogen Idec building databases and managing data for the Engineering/Validation teams.
• June 2010 Took hiatus from school.
• September 2011 Moved into condominium.
• November 2010 Lay off, (nice severance package though).
• January 2011, picked up Winter class schedule at Northeastern.
• Now: Decided to get back into writing. Will blog daily.

So, I will start posting daily. My topics will range from political commentary, creative endeavors, to personal trials and tribulations. I am a writer who has become very lax in his trade therefore I will now adhere to a schedule. My short term goal is to blog daily for an hour and get back into a writing flow. My long term goal is to blog for half an hour and then work on my novels for an hour (or more). I have allowed my work, home and school schedules to overrun my writing schedule. Being laid off has only made me that much busier, which is not logical given that my work schedule has decreased significantly. I need this outlet as well. When I do return to the workforce I want to make sure that I do not lose sight of my true calling as a novelist.

Speaking of the lay off, I have had difficulty concentrating on projects since being released by my company. I have a few databases that I worked on as side projects and have struggled with through the holiday seasons. I was able to complete my Storage Tracking database thankfully. We have two storage units and a million totes and boxes. Finding something (such as a specific book or kitchen utensil) has been difficult, especially since our last move. Compound this with the fact that we are also storing a lot of items for my mother in-law as well. My reaction was to build a database to label items and boxes. The database tracks the location of storage, owner, and box contents. I built a search tool that iterates through the box contents to locate an item based on the search parameters (field, boolean search type, entered criteria).

Now all I have to do is go through everything, label it and reorganize the boxes according to owners (me, my wife, my daughters, etc). This also gives us a chance to determine what should be kept, given to charity or thrown away. This will be a daunting task, but necessary. Plus, we will be so relieved when we are finished. Yet, I have been unable to work on my other databases. Part of the reason is that they are not as necessary as the Storage Tracker. These other databases are more practice applications for tracking my documents, pictures and so on. Given the study time I need for school and the pull of my family life, one can see why these other projects have once again fallen to the way side.

But all is not lost. I am taking the first step towards a more structured day. Biogen Idec taught me the importance of scheduling one's day. I will admit that I stopped this practice almost completely in November of 2010, scheduling only doctor and Keystone Associate appointments. My days became so unstructured that I ended up thoroughly disgusted with my own lack of direction. School was a big factor for shaking me out of my rut. But I was only hitting the proverbial snooze button. Now I am beginning to wake once again and see that more structure is exactly what I need.

Like a circle, the end will be at the beginning

To continue my waking from a slumber analogy, I now have my feet on the ground. Blogging is the equivalent to getting into the shower to start my day. And that day is the rest of my life. As I get dressed (finish my novels), eat breakfast (fuel my bank account through work), and head out into the world (make my mark as an author) I will know that I have lived my life to my fullest potential.

Every journey starts with a singe step. This post is that step. Walk with me. Witness my awaking. Begin your own day in your own way. Most importantly, let's chat about it. I love conversation and this is a topic that will cherish.